I can't hate you anymore
by Belle A Lestrange
Summary: SEQUEL TO "SOBER". Shizuma & Nagisa are stressing over how things got so bad. Hikari helps Nagisa to see things in a new light. Shizuma takes a step forward. Read & Reviw!


**_I can't hate you anymore_**

_An empty room can be so deafening,  
the silence makes you want to scream,  
it drives you crazy._

Nagisa finally managed to stop crying. The only reason this had come about was because she had only drunken alcohol for the past 27hours locked away in her room with no water or any other healthy liquids, so she was literally cried dry. She didn't even care about the fact that Tamao had been locked out in the hallway for over a day. She probably had to share a room with one of the other Miator girls' or went over a late night tea party with Yaya and Hikari, all of them wondering over what was to become of 'Tamao's poor little Nagisa-chan'.

_I chased away the shadows of your name,  
and burned the picture in a frame,  
but it couldn't save me._

Shizuma stared absently at the piano standing proudly in the deserted, black hall. The night sky pounded down from the heavens. At seven o'clock that morning she had begged her father's driver to take her to their summer home so she could get away from Nagisa and her heartbroken face. However the change she had added to the summerhouse had done nothing to settle her lonely heart. There on top of the piano…was a picture of her and Nagisa under the red leaved tree in the forest. They were both happy, before this entire trauma about 'the other Etoilé' had started and complicated everything. She had forced herself to stop saying Nagisa's name as often as she usually did. She grasped the photo frame in her hands.

_And how could we quit something we never even tried,  
well you still can't tell me why._

Back in the strawberry dorms Nagisa had ventured it up to the attics without anyone seeing. She had locked the dorm door behind her though, in case Tamao tried to get inside. She needed to be cautious. She leant out on the balcony and looked over the grounds of Astrae Hill with a heavy heart. She didn't know if she could carry on like this. She hadn't stopped thinking about Shizuma since last night. They hadn't even tried. They hadn't even tried to be in a descent relationship. It was always teasing kisses, moonlit walks, and then the issue with 'the other Etoilé' had arisen. Nagisa watched as her tears pattered down onto the roof-tiles sloping down from the balcony as her arms shook from where she was gripping the rail tightly. "I had asked," she muttered to herself "I shouldn't have, but I had to know, I had to know why Shizuma cried in the shadows and froze over me that night in her room" she sobbed for a few seconds._  
_

_We built it up,  
to watch it fall_

_Like we meant nothing at all.  
I gave and gave the best of me,  
but couldn't give you what you need._

"I'm s-sorry Shizuma" she directed her watery gaze to the sparkling sky "I'm s-sorry t-that I couldn't b-be what you needed" She wondered now as her gaze drifted from blossom tree to blossom tree whether she ever could be what Shizuma wanted … needed … craved. "I'm fooling myself" she shuddered at the memories flooding through her mind. She could barely bring herself to say the words her aching heart screamed out night after night "I can never be what she needs … I am not Kaori"

_You walked away,  
you stole my life,  
just to find what you're looking for._

Shizuma collapsed against the piano keys barely wincing as the keys clanged loudly in her ears. The tears she cried leaked within the piano's base through keys. She gripped her wrists tightly, her nails piercing into the pale skin. Tiny beads of ruby red blood glistened on her sharp nails. She didn't feel the pain. The only pain she felt was in her heart. Her hoarse voice scratched her throat as she began to weep uncontrollably. "Why d-didn't … I as-ask f-for her t-to … come b-back to me?" she peered up from over her hands "Kaori … what h-have you done t-to me? I … I've l-lost the one I l-love … I've lost the one I love …"

_  
But no matter how I try,  
I can't hate you anymore.  
...I can't hate you anymore._

Shizuma stared at the picture of herself and Kaori at the Etoilé elections. She ran a thumb over Kaori's face before making a decision. "I can't hate you for leaving me … because you have led me to something better" she replaced the photo frame in the place she never thought she'd be able to put it … the desk drawer in her bedroom.

_You're not the person that you used to be,  
the one I want who wanted me,  
and that's a shame but,  
There's only so many tears that you can cry._

**KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!**

Nagisa turned towards the door of the attic. It wasn't locked … so why was whoever it was, knocking? She timidly went over to the door and eased it open "yes?" she was startled to see Hikari-chan standing outside the door, her pale blonde curls riveting down her back. "H-Hikari-chan? What a-are you d-doing here?"

The girl shrugged looking down at the ground "are you mourning?" she murmured.

Nagisa was startled for words. Mourning? Well, in a sense she supposed she was. "Yes … why are you here though?"

"I … was wondering … if … could I mourn with you?" the two girls', still in their pyjamas, wondered over to the balcony but instead of leaning over the railing to look out onto the world they sat down, their backs against the iron railings.

_Before it drains the light right from your eyes,  
and I can't go on that way.  
And so I'm letting go of everything we were,  
it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt._

"Nagisa-chan?" Nagisa turned her head to look at Hikari, her pale blue eyes glistening.

"Yes?"

"I have been thinking about the situation with you and Shizuma"

"And? Do you think I should enter the Etoilé competition with Tamao-chan and break her heart?"

"Yes"

The answer was so stern and abrupt it startled Nagisa "huh?"

Hikari shrugged "Tamao-chan has been plotting to get between you and Shizuma for a long time, she sparked your interest in 'the other Etoilé' knowing you'd ask Shizuma … and then the events that followed"

Nagisa blinked in surprise for the umpteenth time within those four minutes "b-but Shizuma … she froze up … when-"

"Shizuma-sama was still getting over Kaori-chan when you came here, you helped her, really you did, and then Tamao had to tell Rokujo-san that the two of you had decided to enter the competition … I guess Shizuma-sama took that as you admitting defeat"

Nagisa thought through what Hikari had just said. It made perfect sense now that she put the pieces together. She stood up suddenly startling Hikari, "I must go see Shizuma-sama!" a hand on her sleeve stopped her. She looked down to see Hikari staring up at her.

"Shizuma-sama needs time to compose herself, play along with Tamao's plan and twist to fit ours … but for now, lets just rest, we've both got things to think through" it was clear from Hikari's solemn tone of voice that the conversation was over so Nagisa didn't pry as to what Hikari's problems were. She would tell, when she was good and ready.  
_  
Sometimes you hold so tight,  
it slips right through your hands._  
_Will I ever understand?_

Shizuma shook on her bed as she curled up on her side, her stomach heaving at how hard she sobbed. She felt her throat convulse as she gagged through her hysterical wails. She needed Nagisa here … with her. She needed Nagisa to hold her and tell her that she loved her and comfort her. Kaori had never done that, she had always been the one to get comforted, but now Shizuma was the weak one who needed comforting. She clutched a hand over her throbbing heart. "I broke my own heart … I broke my own heart …"

_We built it up,  
to watch it fall.  
Like we meant nothing at all._

_I gave and gave the best of me,  
but couldn't give you what you need._

"Hikari-chan, do you think Shizuma and I can work this out?" Nagisa asked as she sobbed recklessly into Hikari's lap.

Hikari's stroked Nagisa's auburn locks "Shizuma needs you, more than she needed Kaori-san … she will come back to you"

_  
You walked away,_

_You stole my life,  
just to find what you're looking for._

Shizuma reminisced over the other night in the greenhouse.

_As Shizuma leant in as if to kiss her lips Nagisa murmured "Shizuma-sama…"_

_The kiss to her forehead was final, and heart-wrenching as was the word Shizuma uttered next "farewell" Shizuma drew back slightly remorse flooding her eyes "you should just forget about me" Nagisa gasped and dropped her head. She allowed Shizuma to gently take the key from her palm, her fingers still curled in the chain. Shizuma felt her heart breaking as she saw Nagisa's body shaking as she tried to suppress her tears. One of these dreaded tears however finally fell onto Shizuma's hand. That is when she realised the extent to the damage that had to be done. "Nagisa…" Nagisa released the chain attached to the key and quickly turned on her heel and ran down the stone steps. Shizuma watched as Nagisa ran out of the greenhouse, covering her face so that she could hide her tears from Shizuma, her sobs ringing out across the glass dome. Shizuma felt her heart shatter inside her. Her arm suddenly felt like lead as she let it drop to her side. The golden key fell out of her grasp and clattered on the concrete ground. Her body began to shake as hot tears tingled within her eyes. Her lips trembled. "Nagisa …"_

She began to sob all over again. "She walked away … she left me"

_  
But no matter how I try,_

Dusk had fallen as Nagisa said 'goodnight' to Hikari, promising to meet up in the attic the same time the next afternoon, before going towards her room. Evidentially Tamao had found a spare key and gone in, because the door stood ajar. She went inside. Tamao was on her bed. "Nagisa-chan I will go to Rokujo-san tomorrow and get out of the competition"

"No!" Tamao looked up slightly taken aback "I would like to enter the competition with you … Tamao-chan"

Tamao leapt off the bed and threw her arms around Nagisa; nuzzling her neck "Arigatou Nagisa-chan" Nagisa hugged the girl back, thankful that Tamao couldn't see her dull eyes glistened with tears.

That night as they lay in their beds, Nagisa turned away from the sight of Tamao in the other bed, and turned to face her wall. She ran a hand down the smooth wall. Her fingertips traced over a small heart she had scratched into the surface. She had done it when she first realised she loved Shizuma. I small smile ghosted over her lips. She had been angry with Shizuma for giving up on her, but now she realised it wasn't Shizuma's fault. Not in the least. Her tiny smile grew slightly, "I can't hate you anymore"

**THE END**

**(STAY TUNED FOR SEQUEL)**

**_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________**

**SEQUEL: I CAN'T IMAGINE ME WITHOUT YOU  
**

**______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________  
**


End file.
